The Gryffindor Girl

Hi everyone!!

So, this is not my usual type of post, although I’ve been writing this “articles” lately, this one is going to be a bit more forward.
I’ve been MIA again, but not only from blogging but from almost everything book related, and that includes my FB groups, which are my favorite place to hangout on the internet.

“Is this going to be another one of those whiny posts?”, you must be asking yourself.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article called “The (not so) Lonely Blogger” , where I mentioned it’s been a while since I last wrote, and that I somehow lost myself in the last 8 years or so. Guess, what? I might not have found myself, but I did find a way to write again…maybe not my short-stories or even my full-stories, but this is the way I’ve found to write and I’m quite enjoying being able to pour my words out in here. Back then whenever I felt overwhelmed or down, I’d write a short story or I’d create a new world, new characters, new people to say what I couldn’t. I’d love to go back to that (and it’s not even for publishing), but while that doesn’t happen, I’m going to speak a little for myself now…

So far I’ve been more political about it, but I’ll just come out and say something now…I know, haters, gonna hate…but I just freaking hate ASS-KISSERS!!! I miss the good ole days the book community wasn’t so infested by them! Everything felt more genuine back then.

I know, nothing lasts forever, people change, bla bla bla…I know I have a hard time with changes, but lately I don’t see how the changes I’ve been seeing are for the best. It seems like it’s all about competitions. Authors competing with authors for who releases the next “big” hit, bloggers competing with others for the best reviews, most views, for who has more likes…and worse, readers competing for who can kiss more ass! I’m sorry, but that is true!

I’ve never thought I’d see the day my authors, who I idolize beyond reason, would disappoint me like they’ve have. And I’m not even talking about specific people here, so many has been acting different. You can call me catty, jealous, or whatever you want. It doesn’t change the fact that this is happening. I wish every author I love success, I truly do. But at what cost, sometimes?

Lately so many reviews have been misleading us readers, we can’t trust the early readers ratings anymore…it’s all such a big BUSINESS! I’m not complaining about authors making money, my God, no! I want them to make BIG money, I contribute to it, after all. But does it have to be by stepping on the ones who have been supporting them since the beginning? Does it have to be by misleading readers into thinking their stories are what they aren’t? What happened to the honest that based the indie community in the first place???
Whatever happened to “I’m only here because you read my books” ??? What happened to being thankful and recognize the ones that have been supporting them from the beginning?

And now I can already hear your thoughts “Why do you keep blogging then?”, “Why don’t you leave then?” and  “You’re spitting in the plate you eat!” …

Am I? Spitting in the plate I eat? Seems like being honest isn’t viewed as highly as attracting more sales and likes lately. And why don’t I leave and stop blogging and supporting authors? Because I’m REAL! I can’t do that. I’ve tried. I’ve left some groups, I’ve been quiet, but I can’t stop loving reading and supporting the ones who create the stories I get so lost into! I LOVE reading and I LOVE connecting with authors and fellow readers around the world, and I’ve been saying that from the beginning of my blog, since it was still Sex and the Books. I genuinely LOVE helping authors in any little way I can. Do I need the recognition? Not in the way most people would think, no.

It’s part of human nature to want to be loved, to be respected, to be admired. I absolutely LOVE when I recommend a book to someone and after they read it they thank me and become fans like I am. There is few better feelings in a book nerd life! Also there a few better feelings in a book nerd life, like being recognized as a fan, as a supporter. So yes, I like the recogition, but not at the point of starting to kiss so much ass that I become what I most hate in the world: just another one.

I strive to be different, I don’t like to conform. So what if  everyone loved a book and I didn’t? What’s wrong with me saying it? It’s not the Middle Ages, people!! We don’t live in a world where we can’t say what we think! If I don’t like a book, doesn’t mean I love an author less… There are authors whom I ADORE, but that doesn’t mean I love, or even like, every one of their books.

All I’m saying here is that the whole book community has been hard on me lately. Not because anyone said anything, but because I’m so disappointed. I’m very hard on myself and I expect people to live up to my expectations, but bottom line is that expectations are only wishes, no one can live up to every expectation we have. So, I don’t blame only authors, bloggers and readers. Hell no, I’m to blame here too, if not most than anyone. It’s my fault I expect too much, it’s my fault I love too much and It’s my fault I give people 150% of myself. And yet…sometimes I don’t get even 10% of that back. Hell, I used to, but somehow I’ve became just another one in the see of a lot of someones…

How that happened? Was it my fault? Have I not supported you enough? Have I not kissed ass enough? Have I been too truthful? Maybe that’s because I live too far? Maybe it’s because my culture is different (yes, I’ve been blamed for being brazilian and don’t understanding american people are just like “that”)? Maybe I’m just way too naïve and what I once viewed as friendship or even likeness was just someone being “nice” enough..

I’m way too hard on my fellow brazilian fans, my friends know this. I love being able to read in English, talk in English and everything that involves different cultures, but in the end of the day I am Brazilian. Maybe too Brazilian…But no matter our many flaws, do you know what is our best treat? We LOVE so hard and we have so much fun! So yeah, sorry, I’m not going to change the fact that I love you authors, I might not be showing it right now, but it doesn’t mean I don’t. So many of my book friends support so many authors without then and no one knowing it! Even I do that. I’ve shouted out about some authors I found out and somehow people actually trust my opinion on books, so I got people into reading their books and become fangirls like I am. And these authors probably don’t even know it…But I do and it makes me happy, makes me happy that people thank me for introducing them to their stories. Makes me happy when I see them getting successfull and makes me so damn pround when I see authors I’ve been reading from the beginning to get their books into the brazilian bookstores! They might not even know me, but I always recommend them as one of “my” authors, the ones I follow since forever…

So if that makes me a bad fan, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I’m not good enough anymore, if I became just another one…My default system is to like every author whom I’ve interacted with (until they do something to make me feel different), but of course there are the ones you connect a bit differently, that you start to LOVE. Regardless, I LOVE interacting with authors. With readers. Making new friends. It’s one of my best qualities and despite my many many flaws, despite having the shortest fuse in the history of the world, I’m beyond LOYAL to the ones I love. I’m a Gryffindor girl, after all!!!

I’ve been hardcore reading for longer than most indie authors have been writing, and I can honestly say that despite all the drama and bullshit, this last 5 years have been my best reading years! And that’s why it saddens me to see authors succubing to the ass-kissing, not genuine fans, to see authors forgetting the ones who support them since the beginning, to see bloggers recommending anything that’ll make their views higher, to see beta readers not giving authors the advice they are there to give…and it saddens me that I’m writing this kind of post, that I never thought I would.

I’m PMSing so yeah, everything is hightened right now for me, but the disappointment has been here for a long, long time. I’m trying to find myself again in the sea of new releases, I try to find that one that will push me up and make me love reading all over again. And I have lately.

I’ve found some new indie authors who BLEW MY MIND in the last couple of weeks and they reminded me why I loved doing this, why I love reading, why I love connecting. Their talent makes me want to be a part of this community. Your talent, does it!

Despite the disappointment, the sadness and everything I will continue to look forward to read more books, to find the next amazing author, to support the ones I already know and love. But if I get a bit down, it’s not because I want your attention, or because I don’t support you, that is just me trying to surface. A funny comparison…in 2013 when we had a lot of riots all over our country, something happened. The riots started because of the protest, the peaceful protests. The riot people infiltrated themselves in the prostests and started destroying public patrimony and hurting people. And you know what the protesters start doing to help the police see who were the real protesters and who were the anarchists? And while the violent, fake protesters who were there just to break things started their riot acts, the real protesters, the ones who were there to fight for better things sat down on the floor. Tha way the fake ones would be recognizeable.

So if I’m too MIA it’s because I’m sitting down, I’m letting the braggers, the ass kissers and the fake fans do their work. Or maybe it’s just because my computer is a piece of crap…haha
I LOVE to shout out to everyone when an author is amazing, when they are generous, when they show me their generosity. Whenever I get a signed book, a swag, a mention, a like…or whenever I LOVE a book, if I show it to the world, now I’m showing off. And I’m not. I’m showing the author off, I’m showing the world how wonderful they are. I don’t recommend books I don’t like, I don’t shout out abot them, that’s just not me.

In the words of one of my favorite bands, Muse, “they will not force us”. We book lovers, will always love books I just need to learn to love everything a little less, I’ve been burned so many times in the last 5 years for loving and trusting too much.

And then something, or someone, like Cecilia London and her book Dissident, happen to my life and I just THANK the HEAVENS I’m part of this book community. I thank them I get ARCs and that I get to read and know books before the translated versions come to Brazil, if they are picked up. Because that just makes EVERYTHING worth it. The feeling of belonging to a world where amazing books get to be published is so overwhelming. Even more overwhelming than the sad feelings I’ve been having lately! I thank many, many authors who made me love reading even more than I did.

Without you authors, and fellow readers, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I wouldn’t be finding myself again, baby step by baby step! I might not be good enough, but your talent and books are for me. They are good enough to make me not want to quit, to still support my books and authors. You are good enough that despite the bullshit and ass kissing, I still love you so so hard!!

In the end of the day I’m just a little point in the universe of shining book stars. I would love to make the difference, even the smallest one, in every one I meet out there, because despite writing being a business and authors wanting to make money, they do it for us, because we love to read.  So let’s keep up the good reading! Let’s be proud, let’s be less competitive, in the end of the day, everybody making it, doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, right?

 

 

 

XOXO

 

Carol

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